June 2010
17 posts
i could see myself being a lesbian
i’ve pounded straight vodka because i was depressed twice in 2 weeks. i didn’t stop until i couldn’t move, and then i spent the rest of the night and into the morning throwing up acid, and both times i remember just starting to cry randomly
i pull my hair out. i’ve had no eye lashes and no eye brows, no arm hair, no leg hair, no pubic hair, nothing. it used to help but now i just do it out of habit. and i absolutely hate it but i cannot go a day without looking at the plucked eye lashes between my fingers
i remember peeing my pants up until the 5th grade. i used to tie sweatshirts around my pants so people wouldn’t notice but i’m sure they did
sometimes i send my ex half-naked pictures even though he has a girlfriend who loves him
i’m afraid of living and i’m afraid of independence and i’m afraid of failing so i just don’t do anything
i have no idea who i am. sometimes i feel like i’m evil or psychotic and one day i’m just going to snap
all my friends think that i’ve had sex but i’m a virgin.
every time i look at my parents i think of death. i don’t want them to die, i don’t want to die, i’m afraid of aging. i wish my parents were 20 years younger because i need them
i pull out my hair. i want to cut so bad to scare my family. i want them to realize that something is severely wrong. i’ve hated myself since i was 4.
for a few years i was convinced my father was going to rape me. i have no idea why. and i hated him and fought with him every day. i was so afraid whenever he even looked at me. i refused to let him touch me.
i spend 12 hours a day sitting on the computer, like a fucking vegetable. the rest i spend sleeping. i feel so fucking fat but i won’t change
i hate everything about my body
sometimes i have sexual thoughts about my brother. they just pop into my head and it makes me feel disgusting but there’s nothing i can do to get rid of them, they’re just thoughts. actually i have sexual thoughts about close friends and even complete strangers, also
i think my mom is a lesbian. maybe that’s why my dad hates her best friend.
i’m afraid my cousin might become a serial killer. she’s always covered up so much, and she used to tie up her cats and throw things at them. she’s never talked to anyone about anything that’s bothering her.
This is going to be a blog where I write down all my secrets. Things that few people know, things that nobody knows, things that have been haunting me. I’m terrified, but here goes nothing. Maybe I’ll show this to my therapist some day. Maybe it will cure me.